When it falls apart
I woke up this morning with my stomach in knots. Not because of something I'd eaten, but because of a dream I had. One of those dreams that just envelopes you with a sense of impending doom.
In this dream, I was out of work again. Not only me, but the entire office. We were shut down. In the same way that happened last time. Not necessarily the whole company, just our division. There were mentions of being integrated into other departments as an alternative, but that did little to comfort anyone. Just the idea that we'd all be suddenly left to our own devices was overwhelming to me.
At my last job, I joined the team and was there until the end. After seeing so many people come and go, it gets to you. I miss the people that I used to work with every day. Even though the occassional phone call or e-mail is a comfort, it'll never be like it was. You have to pick up the pieces and move on. I think I've done a good job of that so far. I'm just not looking to do it again.
Lately, there has been a series of layoffs and cutbacks that have been hitting the company as a whole. I thought we were relatively safe from this until someone from our group was let go last week. The one thing about seeing people go is that it sucks when they're nice people. It's easier when people are dicks. Just the fact that these people that we bond with every day, they can just be gone in an instant...that's scary.
Maybe I care too much. It's just a job, right? I can just find another one, right? That's what I said three years ago. But the truth is, it's more like a serious relationship being severed. I spend day after day with these people, sometimes more than I spend at home with my family. It still hurts.
This morning I woke up with a peculiar sense of dread. I hate when I feel like that, because then I feel like I'm the only one, and then I just feel like an idiot. So I'm trying to shake it. I'm finding a new appreciation for my job and the crew I work with. As I sit here at my desk at home, looking out the window, listening to cars go by, I have a new appreciation for just getting up in the morning and having a place to go.
