Completely and utterly discouraging
So here's the deal. About a few weeks ago at work, before we hit the last deadline, something occurred to me. Something I had actually anticipated happening for a while.
I wasn't enjoying being at work anymore. All of a sudden, I could see right through everyone, past the jokes, past the gossip, past the petty bickering. I didn't notice it before, but it had all become a sort of white noise over time, and now here I was stepping back from the TV set. Then I discovered why.
Not only had I become part of it all, trying to make myself a driving force of the department, but I actually made it a daily thing to rattle people's cages at some point or another. All in good humor, of course, but not everyone saw it that way. That's when I realized I was becoming a pest. Not a nagging pest, but a constant, driving pest. I was getting in people's faces at inopportune times, stirring up conversations that no one cared about and just generally making a bunch of noise that no one wanted to hear. After our recent move to a new, crappier office, I had become such a vocal source of complaints and worry around the office that when I started hearing others bounce it back to me, I finally had to shut it up.
And so there was silence.
Excuse me for shutting up, I’ll try not to be so quiet about it next time.
I decided to take a low-key approach to everything. I wouldn't be striking up any more trivial conversations. No more whining or nagging about miscellaneous things. I wouldn't even bother people at their desks if at all possible.
From now on, I was gonna just walk in the door, go to my corner, sit at my desk and get my work done. Seemed simple enough and you know, I actually enjoyed it. I think I've gotten more done and been so focused that it hasn't bothered me at all. I thought that if I just kept to myself, then that could only help everyone. But apparently, that's too much for folks to handle.
Then yesterday I get called in for a meeting and come to find out some interesting facts. I find out that now I'm unapproachable, I'm locking people out. Perhaps I'm unhappy with someone or something. Or maybe I might even be looking for a new job.
Um, what?
First of all, get a grip. I've got a family at home and the last thing I want to do is go job hunting again. Yes, I've entertained the idea and probably always will, but I made a commitment to stick with this job and that's my word. I ain't going nowhere.
Have I been a bit disconnected? Yes. That is by design, but I don't think I've made myself unavailable to anyone, nor have I shunned any work or duties. I mean, c'mon, people are afraid to ask me a question? Me?
Am I unhappy with where I work? The job, no. The company, at times. The building, YES. Definitely yes. I made that clear from day one. But there's nothing I can do about that except complain, and that's not going to change anything. So I'm just going to have to be unhappy about it to myself.
It's funny how if you reach a certain point, people won't talk to you unless you talk to them too. They almost expect it of you to initiate things and when you don't, all of a sudden you're a grumpy stick in the mud. When I decided I needed to back off, I did just that. It's not like I've checked out and loathe life or anything. Geez, people! Don't be so damn over-sensitive! I can just imagine people huddled in corners like little squeaking rats, wondering what part of the world I'm pissed at. See, now that makes me mad. That's what I wanted to stop, and now I'm sure there's been enough gossip and hushed conversations about what amounts to me rediscovering my limits. Excuse me for shutting up, I'll try not to be so quiet about it next time.
Being a naturally introverted person, I can't say I've ever been in this position before, but now I'm feeling just that. And it hurts.
