In all likelihood, you didn't, but it's not impossible, and after all, something did happen
That pretty much sums up my situation nowadays. According to two doctors now, the likelihood that I had a genuine, for-real heart attack is minimal. There are no real signs or indication of any past trauma to my heart...which is good news. Maybe over the last five years, I've recovered enough to appear completely healthy, or maybe nothing ever happened in the first place.
Now comes the part where I have to ask just what did happen? Sure, the odds of me having a heart attack at the age of twenty-two are almost unheard of, but I know what I felt, and 'twas no indigestion. Of course, this is also the part where I don't get any sort of definite answer. Time has impaired judgement and any sort of measure. All these new doctors can go on is the present. There's medical records and data, but like anything else, that's all open to interpretation. At the time, I was able to discuss my situation with the doctor and I was being monitored constantly. The only thing that remains from that five-year-old equation is me, and frankly, time has impaired my judgement and recollection as well. Maybe with a different set of doctors, in a different hospital, under different circumstances, I might not have been diagnosed with such a serious ailment, but we'll never know.
Perhaps it's my fault for misjudging my own condition and acting too hastily, but I had to seek help. The pain was just overwhelming, and unlike anything I had ever felt before. I had no explanation for it. My only solution was to find someone who might. My experience with heart attacks was nil, so that was my first thought, and perhaps the doctor at the time picked up on that. Maybe that carried through to his diagnosis and treatment. I just don't know.
I learned so much about myself, about others, about life and about love in the last five years that I'd be hesitant to take it back.
So much of this I may never have answers to, but if nothing else, it was a good exercise. I learned so much about myself, about others, about life and about love in the last five years that I'd be hesitant to take it back. I try to think about where I'd be right now if none of those events ever happened.
It all comes down to a seemingly small detail. I most likely would have still been working at RL&A, and might have still met Carol. Before March 21, 1998, I was still the introverted, frustrated artist slaving away in advertising. I was so completely involved in my work that I often made it a point to not talk to people. If my wake-up call hadn't come, I probably wouldn't even have the nerve to write any of this.
Sure, I might have been friends with her, making small talk and whatnot, but in all likelihood, I wouldn't have been as open to her as I was. That would've been too much of a challenge, trying to get along with someone else. It would've been another simple co-worker relationship, and nothing more. In the same way that I don't even consider an outside relationship with my current co-workers (for obvious reasons), I probably wouldn't have seen anything in her past my work. I wouldn't have realized that she possessed such energy and life, and could bring so much out of me. It would've been more like, "Hey, good morning" "Oh, hello..."
It's safe to say (as much as I hate to say it) that she most likely wouldn't be my wife. Not through any fault of her own, but of my own closed heart. It was she that brought love to my life...
And that right there changes everything.
I probably wouldn't have moved into Houston, saving myself the long, tiresome drives to and from work everyday. I probably wouldn't have made such a committment to stick with my last job, even when the doors were closing and the office was being sold off. With that, I most likely wouldn't have found the great job that I have now. Most of all, I certainly wouldn't have realized the joy of parenthood so soon, if ever, when my son Robert was born. And I'm not even gonna pretend I could've bought a new home like I just did a couple of days ago.
I say it's impossible to imagine my life any different that it is now. Really, it's not. I can imagine it just as easy as I wrote it. It's just impossible to live it.
And that's where I take my lesson from. That "episode" five years ago gave me, my entire family, my co-workers, everybody I know a giant scare...and with good reason. Maybe it was meant to happen, to open my eyes and show me the world that I was missing, even though it was all around me. I'm simply a different person than I was then. There's no getting around it, and no going back.
And so now that I'm learning that the situation may not be what it appeared to be, I have to take what I've learned and experienced and keep it in mind. What if you could die, see the wonderful future that you're going to lose and come back and live it through? That's essentially what I'm talking about here. In a way, maybe I did die back then in 1998. Now I'm seeing the future that lies ahead of me and I'm getting my chance to live it.
Maybe I'll wake up on March 22, 1998 and it'll all have been a dream, a la Newhart.
I sure hope not.
