Remember when birthdays used to be fun?
On Friday, I received word that an old childhood friend of mine passed away. There were no details about how or when, not even a way to get in touch with his family. It pretty much took the wind out of my sails for the rest of the day. I tried to get through my day at work, just so I could go home and have my weekend to sort through my thoughts and feelings about it.
And with all of the death and destruction from Hurricane Katrina in the news, it's gotten to the point that I don't want to hear about it anymore. Really. I know that's probably a bad thing to say, but it's the truth.
Then yesterday, being the fourth anniversary of 9/11, I think everyone in this country takes at least a moment to count their lucky stars and think about what they have to be grateful for. It's my hope that most people take this day to think about their loved ones and express that to each other. But with that comes the memory of it all, the memories of witnessing the destruction of thousands of lives right before our very eyes.
I believe there's a balance to the way the world works, and what overwhelmed me last night was a sudden fear of when the odds would tip against me.
Add that all up and it hardly makes for a cheerful mood. It all started to pile up on me last night. Laying in bed with my wife in my arms, I couldn't help but break into tears.
I believe there's a balance to the way the world works, and what overwhelmed me last night was a sudden fear of when the odds would tip against me. For the last couple of years, my life has been going pretty good, but it's left me with a sort of guilt. Why have I been so fortunate when others have been so unfortunate? What sort of grand misfortune does my future hold? What sort of tragedy do I have to look forward to?
All I could do was hold Carol tighter and not let go. With so many losing so much in Louisiana and Mississippi, and so many having lost so much four years ago and having lost my friend, I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted time to stop. I wanted the death to stop. Of course, there's no way that'll ever happen.
So instead, I have to appreciate what I do have. I have my family, something that I've learned to depend on to keep me grounded and balanced. If it isn't my wife bugging me about taking out the trash, it's my son wanting to play or my daughter crying because she's hungry. Don't get me wrong, though, because those are the things that kept me from going off the deep end yesterday. I love them all with all of my heart and don't know where I'd be without them, and just the fact that I'm going to spend a quiet night with them at home eating pizza for my birthday...well, that's all I need.
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